Xeik nodded as Simone spoke, and wrote down some key points to talk about when she finished. As she finally stopped, Xeik looked up at her, a sad smile across his face. “You’re doing well, Simone. Thank you for telling me all of that. I want to start out and say…you’ve done so well. You fought so hard, and I’m proud of that. But…you’re allowed to break down sometimes.” He cleared his throat. “Angela told me something…that humans tend to make irrational decisions based on emotion and instinct…something that they were raised with. That first thought, the one that we can’t control? That isn’t us. It’s the second thought that we have…the one that we can think about and control that is who we are. A learned, forced behavior. Lewis had doubts because that was how he was raised. That was how we grew up.”

Xeik thought for a moment. “In the end, he still chose you. He wavered, but fought back. That pain he felt, he pushed against it, in hopes to see you again.” He paused. “Have you…talked about this with him? At all?” He remembered that Lewis had said something about Simone avoiding the conversation.

“What are your other fears, Simone?”

Simone shook her head, “No, but I don’t feel like I deserve to. He brought me back Xeik. I owe him everything and when I feel like this… I feel like I’m spitting on him. I try to hide it from the resonance so he can’t feel it but I know that it must leak through sometimes…”

Her hand went to her womb and she frowned deeply, “I had a chance to get it back and I destroyed it all in some vain attempt to spit in Alvaro’s face. Just in case, I told myself… but I’m sure that it was more than that. My inability to give in and give up. I saw it as a weakness in that moment and I destroyed that weakness… but it’s also a part of another weakness. How many times I’ve been thrown away because of my inability to have children. I… It’s my biggest fear. It’s the one thing I can’t give Lewis. Though I suppose that isn’t true.”

She frowned greatly. “I can’t give him all of my worries either. I don’t know where to begin or how to explain. He’s experienced some of it but to know the depths of what its done to me. I don’t think he understands… I think he tries but… because I’m scared of him learning just how bad it is.” Finally, she started to cry. “I’m worried he will think it’s too much work. I’ve always found myself to be a burden and I practically hate myself. I doubt myself so much and even though I put on an air that I can do anything… I really don’t think I can. I’m scared of failure the most. It’s my worst fear… Dealing with myself.”

Xeik looked at her carefully as she spoke, taking notes here and there as he had before. This time was a little bit harder for her, and it showed well on her face. She was struggling with quite a lot, and the fact that she was able to hide it even somewhat from Lewis was a miracle within itself.

“You and Lewis are so different from each other…” Xeik said with a half smile. “Lewis appears to be an emotionless killing machine, yet he wears his heart on his sleeve. Despite what people think, he’s the easiest to read…and here you are, hiding everything like a professional.” He tapped his quill to the paper. “But..that brings me to my point. He’s a failure at masking his emotions. He quite sucks at it, to be frank. So…what makes you think that you’re a failure in his eyes? I doubt he cares about any of that…” He cleared his throat. “He’s the kind of man who will dive into the unknown to save someone, even at the cost of his own life. Time and time again, he’s gone after you, tearing apart the world to find you…not because you can bear his children, not because you can’t produce an heir, but because you complete him. You’re a family together…”

“You don’t give him enough credit. You’re afraid he won’t understand, that he’ll think of you a failure…you still don’t trust him, then? That he’ll stay beside you, even if he can’t understand your pain? He’ll gladly share that burden, even if he can’t fathom it. You can see it in his eyes.:

Xeik took a breath. “The pain and trauma you have is immense. This is just scratching the surface…but that’s why we’re here. You don’t have to face this alone. I’m here to help…and should you be willing to finally trust Lewis, I have no doubt that he would be right here at your side.”

Simone thought about it… Did it really boil down to just not trusting Lewis?

She found herself biting at her lip again and she looked up at Xeik. “I also don’t want him to hurt though but I also know that just by him knowing he can’t help me… It’s hurting him. I’m just stuck. I just…” Was she scared of being pitied? She took another breath.

“I want to tell him… I just don’t know how to phrase it or where to begin. I don’t know how to have the conversation. He’s making me a better person every day but that doesn’t erase what lurks. I just want… I want peace of mind and how can I have that when the biggest enemy I seem to have is myself?”

She rubbed her neck now before clearing her tears. “I’ve had no one but myself to rely on for hundreds of years. This is new and hard for me. I don’t even know if I can form the words by myself… Maybe it’s best you tell him yourself. Maybe he can start it… I’ve done it alone for so long I’m clueless on how to talk to him about it. The depth of my pain… I just am scared of showing him that. I don’t want him feeling responsible or feel like he has to do more than he does right now. It’s just something that I have to work towards… We can’t erase it so easily.”

This brought her to her next thing, “I have nightmares a lot. Lewis knows about it but most of the time I just roll over and don’t say anything. It’s always about the lake and feeling trapped. Not being able to breathe. Just a state of helplessness that I can’t seem to get away from. I don’t know how to describe it to him. With you, it’s easier but with him… I just don’t know. My head is a mess. I know he feels my terror… I think that's what makes it hard for me."

“There’s something about that trust between those in a couple…it’s the understanding that you each are going to feel pain, and that pain may even be caused by one another. It’s not the pain you cause, but how you deal with it, and move forward from it. You’re scared of hurting him…but you’ll need to if you’re going to get better. You’ll need to if he’s going to get better as well…you can’t keep going on like this.”

Xeik thought for a moment, and sighed. “I can talk about this, but Simone…I’m sure he’s already reached out for you. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s that you don’t. But…I can talk to him about starting the conversation, but you have to continue it. You have to be willing.”

Which lead into the last thing, nightmares. “Ah, the nightmares. Drowning.” He thought for a moment. “Simone…you and Lewis had a pool installed not too long ago, right? Why…don’t you face your fears head on? Why not try to learn to swim? I can’t force you, of course, but…I wonder if facing your past head on might help.” He smiled.

“The fact that he’s still here, despite feeling that terror…the fact that he’s waiting until you’re ready to talk, always there to support you…it shows that you really do have someone willing to fight through this with you. All it takes is the first step. He’ll support you…as will I, and Lady Angela too. Hell, I’m sure Raine would even lend a hand if she could…”

“I’ll do my best.” She just hoped Lewis understood if it took her a while. She was struggling and even now she was drowning in her own feelings. “I feel more ready for it than I have been in the past. I guess I just needed someone else to reassure me that he wouldn’t leave. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’ve spent such a dreadful amount of time alone and stuck in my own thoughts.”

Thinking on the pool she remembered the promise she made to Lewis when they adopted Lucas, “I was supposed to learn a while ago but every time we got near the water I would almost pass out. My heart started to beat and I can’t calm down. It will take some time but I think I can manage it if we work on it together.”

Simone held a sad smile as she nodded, “Thank you Xeik… All of you really. I would be lost without each of you. I’m afraid that while my stubbornness can be considered a strength it’s also one of my biggest weaknesses.”

She left Xeik’s office and waited as Xeik called Lewis in. Crossing her arms she was even more nervous than when she was opening up to Xeik. It was hard to wait and it was even worse to fear that there would be some sort of rejection. One of her biggest fears was his rejection of her… Even if it was silly once she thought about it.

The time spent waiting for Lewis must have been agonizing. True to his word, Xeik’s office was magic proof, and Simone couldn’t feel an ounce of what Lewis was feeling, even from the outside. Finally, though, the ex-assassin left the office with a strange look on his face. It was hard to read at first, but when the resonance kicked in, it was easier to understand. It was…confusion. He was struggling to grasp all of it.

When he saw Simone, though, his eyes lit up a little and he walked over to her, wordlessly taking her hand and holding it. He smiled a little at her, and then took his hand away, only to pull her into a hug.

“Xeik said a lot…but he also told me that…it wasn’t everything. He said that a lot of it had to come from you, and that I had to…” Lewis wasn’t sure how to put it into words. “I need to…start the conversation. I’m kind of clueless about this, so…” He just held her. “I’m not good at this kind of thing. This has always been your strength…but…I’m always here, Simone. I may not understand it well, but…I’m always here to listen, and to try and make it better.”

“I made a mistake, Simone..when that bitch tried to pull me away from you. I thought that…your sadness was my fault somehow. That maybe you would have been happier somewhere else. But..then I was reminded that you chose me. That you’ve chosen me time and time again. Every day, when you wake up…you’re there beside me, not because you’re being forced to, but because you want to be there…”

“I want you to trust me with everything…but I know that’s hard so…” Lewis thought again for a few moments. “It hurts a little..but I get it. I understand…”

Simone gripped his hand and even smiled as he pulled her into a hug. She put her head into his shoulder and her eyes were full of fright as he spoke. “It’s less about trusting you Lew I promise you. I’m just… I don’t want you to hurt and I’m scared that you’ll leave too… Even though I know you won’t. I’ve just been by myself for so long it’s hard for me to rely on others.”

She snuggled into him and looked around for a minute before tugging on him. “Let’s go home… I’d rather talk there.” Once they were in their room, Simone told him everything she had told Xeik. “There’s a lot more too… Everything I’ve been through. It’s more than what you’ve seen and what you’ve heard.”

She was hesitant, “It makes me hate myself. I still don’t like to be touched by others. It’s hard for me. It makes my skin crawl. It’s a miracle I let you touch me but it’s because of our resonance that I can. I do trust you. Or else I wouldn’t let you touch me. Even Leilah hugging me makes me shiver and causes me to almost meltdown. It’s not her fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. I just… I’m not very good with people.”

Lewis frowned at the thought. Xeik had been right; there was so much more for her to tell, and even more that she hadn’t even begun to process. This wasn’t going to be easy.

“It’s something we can work on, together. And speaking of fears…Xeik said I need to remind you about learning to swim.” Lewis was fully aware of what went wrong the last time they tried to work on it, and hadn’t pressed the matter. However, if Xeik was recommending it as something to help, then it was fair game to remind her.

“We can work on both, at your pace, Simone. I’ll always be here…” He smirked. “I even stopped working for us. For the family. I promise…I’ll be by your side, for as long as you’ll have me.”

Now You Hear It, Now You Don’t

Angela was listening to Xeik go on and on about how Simone and Lewis had destroyed his office and how they were acting in ways he had never even thought of. “I mean if you could hear them you would understand just how childish those two can be… They are constantly in communication even if we can’t hear it. I could… grant you the ability. They are lovey-dovey all the time I promise you.” The goddess snapped her fingers. “For the next three hours, you have a first-row seat to what their resonance sounds like. You can hear everything they say just make sure they don’t catch on.”

Once Xeik was at the Terrowin manner Simone greeted him, “Hello, Xeik. What do we owe the pleasure?”

Do you think Mia jumps him still? I hear lycanthropes get nasty in bed during their pregnancy…

After a few more seconds Simone offered Xeik some tea. Hey, I love you handsome. Are you going to come down and join us? I’ll let you scowl at him.