Yet that was exactly what I did: stopped at nothing. I thought, I could've sworn I was running alongside Shiloh after she declared war on Rudjek. In my head, that was what was happening; but when I noticed droplets hitting the sandstone beneath my feet I suddenly realized I was nowhere near the roguish woman. Rather than running forward, I had retreated all the way back to the entrance, and I hadn't been consciously aware of it until after I saw the statue of Sardon again. Those droplets? They were my tears.
This wasn't the first time something like this had happened, but it was the first time I felt so empty inside. I was crying, and yet I felt no happiness, no pain, nothing. I was running away again, but what was I running from? I didn't know.
I stood in that entrance for a time, trying to determine what had me so afraid. I tried to look toward Robin for guidance, but all my thoughts of her simply faded to black when I tried to recall. My memories had become encased in stone without my permission, and my attempts to reach them were no more effective than trying to use bare hands against a brick wall. Nothing worked, but, in the end, it was that hardened shield that allowed me to glimpse a sliver of the truth.
There had been other women before Robin, but, when the going got tough, I had either abandoned them or failed them. Most of their cases were failures; and also just puppy love. In truth, I had entertained crushes like them far more often in the past than I did now; but too many deaths and disappointments later had succeeded in spoiling my romanticism and optimism. The pain of loss became unbearable past a certain point, so I finally chose to model myself after a more emotionless counterpart: my mother.
Mother had long suffered from a condition that gradually stripped her of emotion even back then, or at least numbed her ability to feel. It turned her into a sociopathic workaholic, someone who dove themselves into theorems and technology all day rather than fraternizing. I thought that kind of attitude was what I needed when I was most vulnerable, what would save me from my misery; so I pursued it against my mother's behest. All that time, though, she warned me that she never truly lost her human emotion, and that her workaholic tendencies just drowned out her pain instead of absolving it. I never listened, sadly, not once; and it was only after I had what I desired that I realized how terrible a fate I had subjected myself to.
That was why I was running; because, for all my attempts to drown out my emotions, all I had succeeded in doing was painting a rosy tint over my reality. I wanted to run; to hide; to escape to a place where not even I could judge myself. Maybe then I could avoid responsibility and the possibility of failure. That's what my subconscious was telling my legs; yet, typically, I faltered, stopped in my tracks and wavering like a frightened child.
"Is this how you felt, Mother," I asked the wind while dithering in front of the flames again? I felt her in the back of my mind as soon as the words left my mouth: an entity that was always listening. Unlike the times I had talked to her before, though, she didn't impart any words of wisdom on this occasion. Instead, she guided my hands to summon something: a golden egg that I had long thought broken. The item was none other than one of the legendary Kichona Kiokus.
Since the day I had retrieved one of those crystalline eggs, I had seen nothing but static in its self-contained world. They were supposed to show a person their most treasured memory in the universe of Revaliir, but the sad truth was that I had none. My personal vision had always been nothing but a grainy film of nothingness: an empty void that would make even a hardened soldier shed tears. I didn't expect this to ever change, so I almost threw the egg away before opening it this most recent time.
SAI ended up stopping me, though. Before I could discard the golden egg, she controlled my arms and had me open it. There, under the dust of the forsaken tomb, my static was gone. In its place was the portrait of Robin's smile that I had painted when we first met. It was staring back at me with those closed eyes and its fragile expression of joy; almost like Robin herself was there cheering me on.
In that moment, when I started bawling loudly over the memory I had hidden from myself, I remembered what it was like to feel genuine love for another person. Robin's relationship with me was young compared to those of my past, and yet I already loved her enough for her to be part of my most precious memory on Revaliir. I had just been too afraid to admit to the truth; and, as a result, had almost abandoned her rather than try and risk failing to help her. Rudjek had taken advantage of that, something that became obvious when he taunted me again during my outflow of suppressed emotion.
"So that's what she looks like," he remarked from the temple walls again. "You've been good little helper, fox." This time, though, I displayed no outward anger. Instead, I slowly and quietly closed my memory and then stood up to head back into the catacombs.
"Thanks for toying with me," I said while sending the Kichona Kioku away. My choice of words in that moment seemed to confuse the high priest, so I ended getting a more genuine response this time.
"Thanks," he asked incredulously, to which I responded before breaking into a silent sprint back toward Mirannda's grave?
"Yes, thanks, because you gave me just enough time to cool off and realize what's important to me. I'm not a fox nor is my determining factor the color of my hair. I am a phantom in this world, a dream of the past, and a nameless one that hasn't wanted to live in the present for longer than you've been alive or dead. Now that I have a reason to change that, you want to take her away. I may fail to stop you in this, but I'm sure as hell going to make you bleed before I let you lay one finger on her. And if you don't have blood, then I will make you feel pain even if I have to resurrect you just to kill you again."
__________________
Meanwhile, back at Mirannda, the beetles from before had tried to surround her fallen body. They were preparing to feast, but, oddly enough, a large influx of their natural predators prevented that activity. Fire salamanders from the Sularian desert congregated around the fallen phoenix in mass, picking off scarabs before they could get close. They protected her from danger while also enjoying a meal of their own; almost as if they knew she would soon return.