Hearing her talk so much about the past of her people made him rethink everything that he had learned about them before waking her.  Now it felt as if he had looked at something he never should have, similar to accidentally opening the door to someone’s private quarters.  All of it was so intimate.  When he had been researching there had been no emotion to it other than the pursuit of knowledge, very similar to when he had to look up information on one of his targets.  At the time that’s what they were to him: another enemy.  Not for fear of the unknown, but for the feeling of betrayal he had felt at realizing what they were.

Even before he had woken her he had wrestled with his guilt for reacting so harshly.  He too had been young and brash, it was a moment of weakness for him and a rare instance of him losing his head.  Had she actually been a threat to him then he would have been clouded by emotion and an even greater danger to himself.  Minasé had shown himself that night after he’d left her, and that too was something he would never be able to take back.  The blood and carnage that had come from him all for not being able to keep his emotions in check.  Perhaps that was why he was so much calmer, more contained now than he had been in his youth.

Attacks with Minasé were still a problem that he hadn’t been able to find a solution to, but they were much more sparse now than when he was younger: waking up blood covered, naked, and usually surrounded by flame wasn’t as common of an occurrence as it had been in his twenties.  She was able to open up with him about the darkness of her past, the many horrors that her kind had faced, but he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to do the same in return.  It was a part of him he never wished to share with another person, and while she had been warned of him years ago, it was hardly enough to really show her just what level of evil rested inside of him. 

His hand gently cupped her abdomen and he slowly brushed his thumb along the soft skin there.  That was another reason he found himself straying away from women more and more the older he became: he could never, ever risk impregnating someone.  As it was he had to do a purification on himself at the start of each moon cycle to keep him from being able to reproduce.  But even with that extra step, he didn’t like the idea of him missing one of those rituals and running the risk of reproducing.

He tipped his head down and gently kissed the top of her head before resting his cheek down in the soft tresses, “It’s all right…You’re back now, you have the rest of your life to do all of the things you were unable to do while you were asleep.”

Holly felt comforted by him as she snuggled closer to him. "Naota, I don't sleep well anymore. I'm terrified and I can't ever feel safe because of something I've done. That place. That horrible horrible terrifying place, I don't ever want to go back."

She clung to him for a moment. "But when you're around everything is alright. You once told me that there was something that I should be scared of when it came to you. The truth is you are the only person in this whole world that makes me feel safe enough to sleep. You were the only one there that entire time. Not even my mother could soothe out my fears. I'll be damned if I get hooked on those potions in the market."

She had such strong enough to her as she clung to him. "Even though I'm back… I feel like I could be sucked in at any moment. I have so many questions about that place. Was it just the inside of my mind? Was that who I really was? What was it? Why does it terrify me so much." She took a breath and calmed herself down. "This is in no way a plea for you to feel pity and let me stay with you. I am a woman and I can take care of myself and my problems but I don't know why fate keeps doing this. I don't need to rely on you. You are someone I want to enjoy… I don't want to need you." There was a difference to her. Naota wasn't a drug she could be hooked on.

His eyes weakened, he knew that fear well.  While he hadn’t been trapped in that place like she had been, there were so many nights where he went to sleep and awoke there that he still had trouble laying down at night.  It wasn’t nearly as bad as it was for her, of that he was sure, but it was still something he could understand to a point and hopefully be able to help her with.  Most of the times when he slept now there was no dreaming, only blackness.  Each night’s sleep felt like only a moment had gone by, and in a way he preferred it that way.  For now at least.

His fingers moved up and down her back slowly, tracing along the curves of her shoulder blades and back down the line of her spine, hoping to help keep her eased as he listened to the hiss and churn of the springs around them, “If I was the only person that you saw there then it makes sense…When you’re trapped in a place and have constant contact with another person, even if it’s not pleasant, it still builds a level of dependence on them.”

Unfortunately that was something he didn’t know how to help.  He’d never had a dependency on anyone, and while he was close to everyone in his family and they were raised to be able to work as a team, at the end of the day they knew they’d always be off on their own.  Their independence was imperative for the lives they’d live if they wanted to survive.  In ways it was good, but in other situations like this one it left him almost helpless to offer help.

“That might take some time, I actually think staying apart from one another could help with that.  Help you see how much fulfillment there is in your life without me there.  You spoke of traveling, I really do believe that that’s the right direction for you.  You’ve missed a lot since your slumber, there’s so much for you to explore now, so much for you to catch up on…”   Not that he was trying to push her away, it was just the only advice he could think to offer.  Were it him it’s what would have worked, but he knew that they weren’t the same person.

“No matter what happens though, you can always reach out to me should you need to.  Even if I can’t be there in person, I can always find a way to communicate be it by letter or some metaphysical arrangement.”   Though the latter he was a bit more nervous about since there was still a fear in the back of his mind that the two would be linked in their dreams again.  Being caught in that world wasn’t something he’d want to experience again and he knew good and well from what she had told him that she felt the same way.

 

Listening to him she shook her head and moved her hand to his once more. "While that makes sense and is a good idea. My sense of judgement wouldn't allow me to do that. I can handle it now. Running away isn't something I want to continue to do. A strong person wouldn't run away from something they want." 

She tried to put that sense of ease on him as she kissed his chest once more. Her eyes felt heavy and she simply did not want to fall asleep and miss being with him. "I want to travel around and sing at the top of the Hanging Gardens for someone. Someday." She gave him a smile. "Maybe I can ask you to come there. We can have a show and picnic. I hear its beautiful there. It might put away the dreams."

She squeezed his hand. "Mother might be able to put us at ease too. Maybe we should visit her soon?"

As he listened to her speak he couldn’t help but notice that the way she was speaking seemed very intimate.  While they had just indulged in physical pleasure which was an extreme act of intimacy on its own, it was very different that the emotional connection he could tell she was trying to form.  Did he want that…?  Normally he would know the answer easily, but in this place it was hard to decipher between his wants and his emotions getting the better of him.  What was it about this spring that did that?  What did he want with her…?

Until he would be able to sort things out with a clear head he had to try and keep things the way they were.  For all he knew Holly was having the same confusing and conflicting thoughts from being here.  They hadn’t spoken about such things since her healing began, and he’d stayed away from her mother or anything having to do with the situation.  It was too much, and as it was there were too many things he had on his shoulders.  Either way, there was something he knew was true, “I would love to see you play like you used to, to be surrounded by people and happy making your music once more.”

His fingers sifted up into her hair, keeping her close against himself as he continued, “I don’t know if we should speak of those things right now…This place has done something to my head, my thoughts feel foggy.”   Even as he said it he felt the disregarding thoughts waning away, as if some unseen force didn’t want him thinking in any way that could be portrayed as negative.  “Is it the same for you…?   His voice grew softer, the relaxation in his muscles finally settling in to urge him towards sleep.