I'm so stupid, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I have said it dozens of times to myself and more than a few times in these journal entries, but I knew that Sensei wanted me to lash out at him. I just didn't know why. Well, now I know first-hand as to the reason. It was really quite simple. I have no idea how many students Sensei has taught before me, but I know now that of all of them, I am - by far - absolutely the most patient of the lot.

I have…been taught this day that there is a difference between training and learning… and that while I have soared past my long gone senpai in the speed and intensity of my training regimen for the amount of time I have studied under Sensei, I have simultaneously fallen grossly behind in learning the most important lessons that Sensei can impart. For, you see, Sensei was completely incapable of teaching me those lessons properly due to my own pride and hubris. By excelling in learning the many lessons Sensei taught me, I became confident (even overconfident) in my skills and myself and grew proud. Unfortunately, unlike most young students Sensei has dealt with before, my confidence was tempered by my patience. 

So before Sensei could even attempt to shatter my confidence and show me exactly how far I still had to go from there, he first had to eliminate my patience as the barrier it had become. And therefore, Sensei began to pressure me physically and mentally… and continued adding on to that pressure slowly, but surely, until I finally cracked. 

When it finally happened, Sensei merely stood there as I crashed against him again and again, like the waves of the ocean against the rocks along the shore… guarding only his vital points from my attacks. This lasted only a few minutes… and then Sensei started to truly teach me. The first time he moved to do anything other than defend a vital, I found myself with my back on the tatami, my vision spinning and my chest aching from the single strike he gave me as he swept my feet from beneath me. I recovered after a few moments, not knowing how he had countered me so quickly and easily. I knew what he had done, but did not see him do it. So, warily this time, I attacked again with a straight punch towards Sensei's face. 

No sooner than my arm had half-extended… Sensei redirected my punch with one hand, grabbing my wrist in the same movement, turned his body to one side while pulling my arm in the same direction it had already been going, and pulled my entire body up and over his own. I remember my back hitting the tatami, Sensei keeping a hold of my arm as he walked around my head (kicking it along the way while twisting my arm in a mildly painful manner), then wrenched my arm to force me onto my stomach lest my arm be removed from my shoulder and kneeled down on said shoulder with my arm stuck straight up into the air held securely between his knees. Only then did he let go of my a wrist with his hands… if only because he no longer needed to keep his hold.

In less than five seconds, I had gone from standing strong and attacking… to being pinned face-down, completely unable to do anything aside from trying not to further provoke my Sensei. From that position, he needed merely to lean forward slightly while holding my elbow secure and he would break my arm backwards. That said nothing of the fact that he could strike the side or back of my head freely, to devastating effect, or anywhere else on my upper body and I could do nothing to stop him. At that point in time… no, I realize now that at any point in time since I began training, I have been completely at the mercy of Sensei.

Even had I not attacked him first, with the amount of strength and skill Sensei has at his disposal, I am certain that he could have left me bedridden or dead at any point in time if only he had been so inclined.

Which, of course, was the entire point of the lesson in the first place. 

I had erroneously assumed that I would learn all of the skills and training Sensei had to teach, then move forward with the rest of my life and future goals without a second thought. I know now that such was never an option to me… I just hadn't yet understood that fact.

Now I am beginning to understand that Te is not just some set of movements or attacks or a method to defend myself. No, Te is a lifestyle.

After Sensei allowed me to return to my feet, he began showing me how the kata worked. It became no longer a set of movements, but instead an expression of self. How what I thought was a punch in the kata was really a throw. How an innocuous motion at the beginning and end of the kata was actually a method of restraining a foe. How I finally noticed that the way I changed directions from each section of the kata during the countless times I had done it myself was the exact same way that Sensei or Yukino always managed to avoid bumping into guests that suddenly came from around corners in the inn.

The Te was not just some lesson to learn by rote and move on. The Te was something that was incorporated into all facets of your life and practiced constantly. Opening the sliding doors of the inn? That was simply redirecting an incoming strike. Sweeping the floors? Merely the motion for tripping an opponent with my staff. Sitting down properly on my knees at the low table? Well, that was exactly how Sensei sat on me to render me completely helpless after throwing me to the tatami, wasn't it?

Sensei calls this knowledge 'bunkai.' He explained it as such: "Kata is form. Bunkai is application. Never allow the form to become so rigid to the point that the application becomes useless." 

With this new light shown on my previous teachings, I now understand exactly how close to the starting line I still am and how much more I have to learn. Having said so, I have now redoubled my own efforts in the dojo and slowly integrating various parts of the kata into my everyday movements. I now hold no ire towards Yukino and her previous reactions to my grumblings. She did, indeed, know what was in store for me. What's more, I now realize that she had every confidence that I would pass the test her father had presented to me without my knowing it.

Looking back at the entire situation, I now understand that this was the proverbial 'moment of truth' between Sensei and myself. Would I cling to my pride and angrily curse him or would I learn the lesson he was imparting on me and continue as I have? I think… I think that they both knew how I would respond. Now that I think about it, it is nearly impossible to live under the same roof with another person for more than half a year without coming to understand them in many subtle ways.

Truly, this day has been quite the humbling experience… but I am now prepared to move past it and actually begin to learn.

~T~

It has been several months since my last entry, but I feel like I have made great strides in all aspects of my development except for my magick. That is not to say that I have made no further accomplishments on that end. I have simply not focused on increasing the breadth of my skills as of yet. Despite my newfound focus on balance in all aspects of my life, I have made the conscious decision to take my time with my magick. After my… explosive exploration into what I am capable of doing with the seemingly tamest of the elements, Sensei and I agreed that it would be prudent for me to focus my magickal endeavors on simply gaining control of the elements and learning how to bring them under my quickly until doing so became as simple as breathing.

This decision came after a long discussion with Sensei as to how I went about harnessing my magick in the first place. After I explained my method of self-hypnosis, which Sensei quickly pointed out was very similar to the state we both fell into during kata practice. Using that insight, we both agreed that simply learning to feel out and control each of the basic elements should be the first step. After that, I can begin to test the limits of that control and discover what I can and cannot do with each element by itself and in conjunction with other elements. After my early success with water and air, and having already successfully produced ice during my testing, I began my attempts there. It started out shakily, but I was able to form and control ice on my very first attempt. While the temptation to further test my limits was strong, I was able to resist. Bolstered by my success, I was able to quickly do the same with fire.

Earth and lightning, however… Well, I think that part of my early failures stemmed from the fact that I simply did not have enough understanding of the forces at play. While I was able to control earth after about two weeks worth of attempts, my control was… abysmal to say the least. As for lightning, I wasn't even able to form a spark.

I can report, thankfully, that shadow and light worked exactly as I expected it to. I believe that controlling both of these elements with such ease originated from my early education with Father Sidney. Before leaving my home of Gulu, Father Sidney made sure that I was armed to protect myself and others against the undead. Accordingly, he made sure to teach me the spell he called "Sun Strike." I have only needed to use it a handful of times, but that foreknowledge allowed me to grasp how to control the light element… or at least what I assume is an element. With my understanding of light, it was surprisingly simple to turn that logic on its head to allow me to control the darkness. While darkness strained against my magick a great deal, I was able to maintain my control with minimal effort.

Which, unfortunately, left me befuddled as to how to do the same for earth and lightning.

After another two further weeks of attempting to further my control - or in the case of lightning, simply gain control - of the troublesome elements, I decided to take a break and step back from my efforts. I admit to being rather stubborn when it comes to accomplishing my goals, but once again Father Sidney's wisdom rang clearly through my mind. He taught me long ago that "when you are faced with a problem you can't solve on your own, there is no shame in asking for help." So, I took my concerns to Sensei. 

He, unfortunately, did not have any further ideas for me to try. Yukino, however, surprised me. She had been bringing us tea after my kata practice was completed for the day and overheard the last part of the conversation, which prompted her to ask what the issue was. I quickly went over the basics of how I call upon my magick to control the elements and the trouble I was having with both earth and lightning. She simply responded with a joking: "Why don't you sit out during a storm and use your magic to figure out what lightning actually feels like in nature?"

I could have slapped myself. 

Unsurprisingly, the very next time I heard the rumblings of thunder in the distance, instead of doing what every other person in Nisshoki was doing (getting themselves indoors), I went down to the piers and settled myself in for the long haul. Sensei called me an idiot when I told him what I had planned and even Yukino shook her head at the fact that I was going to actually follow her flippant idea, but neither of them stopped me from going out. As the rain began to fall in sheets and thunder rolled through the air, I just closed my eyes and allowed tendrils of my magick reach out into the sky… not controlling anything. Merely waiting… and feeling.

And then the first bolt of lightning struck… and I felt.

Unlike what I originally thought, it didn't start from the sky, but from the surface of the water! My magick followed the trail of the lightning from the water up into the clouds. It also seemed to flow along the same line multiple times in quick succession. Moments later, the sound of thunder shook the air around me, so close was the lightning. 

As much as I wanted to attempt to call upon the lightning and control it with my magick, I knew that to do so in these conditions was foolhardy at best and fatally stupid at worst. So, I simply maintained my patient vigil, merely allowing my magick to feel the storm in its entirety. I don't know how long I sat there like that, but when the storm finally passed and I could no longer feel the lightning in the air around me and I opened my eyes, day had already faded into night and I was soaking wet. I squeezed as much water from my robes as I could and beard, then shook myself off a bit once I had regained my feet. Finally, I held my hands in front of me, just slightly apart and willed my magick to produce lightning.

It worked splendidly.

I could only grin with satisfaction at my success as I watched the small sparks of lightning crackle between my palms and fingers, making them tingle slightly. I then allowed my magick to return to its neutral state and began making my way back to the inn. Finally paying attention to my surroundings, I felt the cold seeping into my body from the storm and winds. I knew that I would probably end up sick from this little excursion, so I did what I could to help stave it off by willing the air around me to warm up. It did not work quite like I expected it to, but it was better than nothing. When I finally slid the front door of the inn open and stepped inside, Yukino was there to meet me with a scowl and a towel.

After ensuring that I wouldn't drip water throughout the inn, she dragged me towards the bath and shoved me inside with orders to get into the water and warm myself up. I left my wet robes in the dressing room and followed her directions, having learned long ago that to ignore her instructions was a sure way to end up eating tasteless food for meals for a week. 

I must have dozed off at some point, because I can't remember anything else from that night… just waking up in my futon the next day.

Once I had succeeded with one element, it was merely of following the same sort of simple logic to succeed with the other. Albeit, Yukino did not let me leave the inn for three days following my venture out into the storm… or as she calls it, my "Idiotic Adventure of the Idiot Magician." I didn't have the courage to argue with her. 

Anyway, after I was allowed out from under Yukino's watchful gaze, I was able to find a quiet location outside the walls of Nisshoki and allowed my magick to flow into and feel the earth beneath my feet. After a few hours, I was able to better understand what exactly was going on under the ground and why I was unable to control earth previously. As much as I thought of earth as unmoving and stable, the truth couldn't be further. I already knew it from my childhood playing in the dirt, but many creatures made their home below the surface of the earth. I simply did not know how many there were. Furthermore, even discounting all the bugs and moles and other subterranean creatures, the ground itself was not as still as I had originally assumed. It moved… ever so slowly, yes, but even so, I had never before thought that such was even possible.

After learning these new facts, I was easily able to bend the earth to my will with my magick. Satisfied with my progress, I returned to the inn with a smile on my face.

Beyond my achievements with my magick, I had made even greater strides with my physical and mental development. That being said, I feel like this entry has gone on long enough, so I will not go into too deep of detail. Of particular note is the fact that I now know the purpose of Iron Shirt training. That purpose being to harden my body against blunt force strikes and inure myself to the pain of being struck. Amazingly, Sensei proved the point by allowing me to strike him with the bokken as he went through the kata and breathing exercises. Sure enough, Sensei neither flinched nor budged from the strikes and simply continued through without pause. 

As for the mental aspect… well, before writing this entry, I went through my previous entries as I have habitually done… and I noticed something. Early in my journal, as I was searching for mere knowledge, I noticed that I regularly made errors that I struck out and had to rewrite. I even made light of that fact in one of those entries. However, ever since I began learning Te with Sensei, I can see I clear change in my writings. There seems to be a vastly reduced number of errors (mostly from incorrect word tense now) and I have not needed to strike out any of those errors due to misspelling. Whether or not this change has a direct correlation with my physical training, I do not know, but evidence support such a theory is numerous and strong.

I have grown used to the level of training I am currently at, even with Sensei increasing the difficulty on a regular basis, but if he has noticed… he certainly isn't intent on increasing the difficulty at this point in time. I will simply do what I am instructed to do until the time comes to increase my training once more. 

~T~

I have made a new friend. Or rather, I have begun to.

I should probably explain. I have recently begun to relax and meditate in the small garden found in the center of the inn after my kata practice. During my relaxation, I noticed a raven alighted along the edge of one of the buildings surrounding the small courtyard garden. It would occasionally give out a caw at me when I would look up at it, but it mostly seemed to just watch me curiously. As if wondering what I was doing.

Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever described the inn in my previous entries. The Yamada Inn, or Yamada-sou, is situated along one of the main thoroughfares of Nisshoki and has a two-floor front face. The main building is situated in such a way that guests only ever see the greeting area before being led to their room in one of the other two outbuildings through the sliding doors immediately opposite from the main entrance. Through a partially concealed side door is the kitchen and the stairs leading to the second floor of the main building where supplies and extra bedding are stored. Once through the main building's back door, there are covered walkways that lead to either side of the main building where the two guest outbuildings are located. Both buildings are only a single story and have three guest rooms in each of them (one of which being my own). Behind both of those buildings, opposite from the main building, is the family home of Sensei and Yukino which also houses the dojo. The family building is also a two-floor affair, but I have never seen any part of its interior except for the dojo. In between all of these buildings is a small open-air courtyard that Sensei's late wife made into a garden. After her passing, Yukino has since taken up its care and has done an admirable job of keeping it beautiful.

And now I have found it to be the perfect place to relax after a long day of helping around the inn and training. Which leads us back to my new raven (or is it a crow?) acquaintance that I digressed from. 

As I said, at first it would only caw at me occasionally when I actually noticed its presence, but after a time it seemed to find my presence itself a vast curiosity. After several weeks, I began to ignore its presence and focus on my mediation or just the ambiance of the garden, but made sure to bring the small scraps of meat that Yukino had discarded with me to leave for it. I would place the scraps on the ground a small distance away from where I intended to sit, then sit down and go about my business, completely ignoring the bird. That first week, it never came down while I was still there… only swooping down to scoop away the meat after I had stood and left the garden. This last week, it actually swooped down to land on the edge of the covered walkway opposite of where I was seated a number of times, but it still did not enter the garden.

I am curious as to how close I can entice it to approach me. I have never before had a pet, but I have always gotten along well with the few stray dogs there were in Gulu. I would not being opposed to forging a closer bond with this bird… I do recall that the druids I've seen around the kingdom seemed to be able to communicate with many of the animals around them. Perhaps I should attempt to use my magic to aid in my attempts? Would that even work?

I wonder if their ability to communicate with animals is derived from learning the mannerisms of those animals or if they actually use magic to aid them? Or is it some combination of the two? Even if it is magic, I'm almost certain that learning an animals mannerisms and what they mean won't hurt anything.

More testing is required.

~T~

Further attempts to entice the raven (I have managed to verify that it is a raven due to its size and the shape of its tail feathers) have gone well. Yukino has even taken to sitting along the edge of the walkway behind me and watching our interactions over the last week.

The raven will now enter the garden proper, but still watches me carefully without approaching the scraps any closer than I am sitting to it. I have tested this distance twice now by first moving the scraps closer to me and then further away after waiting for a short while. It seems odd to me that a bird normally known for its willingness to eat carrion in close proximity to other scavengers or predators would hesitate to eat the scraps of food freely offered when I have never made a motion to hinder its approach or even its taking of the food. After she realized how I was disposing of the scraps from the kitchen, Yukino told me that this particular raven had always seemed to be much more canny and intelligent than the other birds that frequented the area.

Perhaps the raven truly does find me to be a curiosity?

I think I will try to place the food very close to me tonight and see how the raven reacts. Worst case, it doesn't approach any closer than it already has previously. Best case… well, who knows?

Sensei has recently increased the scope of my body hardening training. It seems that my torso and limbs are all sufficiently toughened against blunt damage for Sensei's taste… and he has decided to ensure that even my fingers and toes can withstand the punishment that Te can put upon them. The pebbles I once gathered and placed into the pots that I have been using as grip and weight training are now going to be used to toughen my fingers… and the bokken will be used to toughen my toes. The exercise for my fingers has me stabbing my hands in a straight downward thrust into the pots' interiors (thus burying them in the rocks) and then spreading my fingers wide to carry the pots across the dojo. When I tire out from carrying the pots with this new method, I am to simply stab my fingers into the rocks fifty times each. Thankfully, my previous training with carrying the pots has helped immensely with performing this exercise properly and I have only injured a few fingers thus far.

As for my toes, I am simply to firmly, but not so firm so as to break the bones, hit each of my toes with the bokken fifty times each. It is extremely painful, but I am very easily able to notice the slow results it has produced so far. My healing magic (which Sensei has since discovered and exploited ruthlessly) has quickly taken care of the various sprains and jammed digits, but it will still take a large amount of time before I am completely used to this new method.

I actually worry a bit at how… physically strong I have become. I have found myself almost causing the plates to break from my grip a number of times when it is my turn to clean up after meals. It has not occurred yet, thankfully, but I have had to be very mindful of what I am doing with my hands since discovering this. I have not yet brought it up to Sensei or Yukino, but I feel the time when it becomes necessary to do so is drawing closer. Perhaps they will have some method of gauging and adjusting my usage of strength beyond the trial and error method I have been using thus far.

~T~

Training continues on as it has been. Sensei is now satisfied with my progress with hardening my body against damage and pain, but wants me to continue with the training to maintain what I've obtained. It's still painful training, but I've definitely gotten used to it over the months. I also finally broke a plate while cleaning up after dinner. Yukino was… not pleased, but very understanding. I feel that she was more exasperated than anything else, if I'm being honest.

Sensei laughed at my plight, but took me aside after I finished cleaning up to discuss ways for me to limit my strength when it is unneeded. While he gave me some exercises to do that would help me learn better control, our discussion basically came down to me having to spend time practicing to limit how much strength I use while doing day-to-day activities. Annoying, but ultimately not unexpected.

While my personal accomplishments may not being overwhelming in recent weeks, I have made great strides in building a relationship with the raven that hangs around the inn. It seems that the raven thought of the entire thing with the meat scraps as a game. It would only be the exact distance to the food as I was and it took me deducing that fact, then putting my finger on the scraps, for the raven to actually eat any of it while I was sitting there. It seemed to find the entire thing hilarious, letting out calls that I can only describe as laughter once it had eaten the scraps and flown back up to the awning.

It then changed the rules of the game.

It would keep an exact distance from me and would only move closer or further from the food based on my position. At first I thought it was just based on how close I was to the pile, but when I went to step around the pile, the raven actually rotated its position so that it was on the opposite side of the food from where I was. I eventually figured out the rules and let the raven reach the food… and the rules promptly changed the next day.

Yukino finds the entire thing both amusing and, in her words, "cute." I… disagree, but I know that such things are a matter of perception. 

I have attempted to use my magic to commune with the raven, but have had limited success thus far. I can… I suppose the word would be feel (but it doesn't quite encompass what is being experienced) the raven's mind and only the most basic of emotions, but I am not yet able to send or receive any clear ideas or thoughts. The raven seems to understand what I am trying to do and seems amenable. Therefore, I will continue our daily "games" and my attempts to open a more direct line of communication with it.

I should also take some time to continue training further with my elemental manipulation magick. I feel that I now have a firmer grasp on controlling it and would like to expand the number of elements I can control at the same time. I will still, however, be extremely careful with testing the limits of my manipulation. I do not wish to have another… Incident. 

~T~

It has been a while since I last wrote here. Almost a month and a half, in fact. I would like to make excuses, but apologizing to myself seems rather comical.

My efforts in befriending the raven have borne fruit since my last entry. Meeting up with him in the gardens has become a nightly event and once he tired of the games being played with the meat scraps, we moved on towards actually trying to understand one another. I was successful in establishing an emphatic bond with him so we had the basis of emotion to build off of. From there, establishing further trust and communicating ideas became much easier. 

We tend to start our 'conversations' by telling each other about our respective days. The method that seems to work best for us is simply speaking normally in each of our native languages - a mix of Common, Ataiyoan, and hand gestures for me and a mix of vocalization, flapping, and a sort of dancing from him - while mentally sending each other images that correspond with what we're saying. I daresay he understands me much better than I can understand him… but we're making solid progress. He seems to find the idea of me being beaten with a stick as a part of my training to be very humorous. By the same token, I find his descriptions of his arguments with the local squirrels to be hysterical. 

I continue with my attempts to strengthen our psychic bond further and seem to be making good progress. Perhaps someday soon we will be able to communicate much more clearly, but until that time, we seem to both be content with working slowly as we are now.

Aside from the raven, my physical and magickal training have been continuing apace. I have gotten used to the previously mentioned body hardening training to the point that I no longer feel more than a light stinging from any of my digits after training. Sensei has continued teaching me more of the bunkai of the kata and I have been making sure to incorporate more and more movements into my daily activities. It's truly amazing how it doesn't feel forced to do so, either. I mentioned just that to Sensei a few days ago and he responded to me, "That is because there is no movement in the Te that is beyond the natural movement of the human body."

Now that I think on it, I can't argue. Every part of what Sensei has taught me, beyond the Iron Shirt and other body hardening training, has all been things that I was able to perform without any special training or practice. Following that logic… shouldn't more people know Te? I understand why there wouldn't be any around Ataiyo, or more specifically Nisshoki, since the political ramifications are still quite strong here for them to teach openly. But why have previous students of the Te Masters not gone on to teach others outside the capital? Maybe they have, but simply not in the numbers I am thinking… Hmm… more to think on later. Perhaps I can take students of my own once I return to Gulu? Now there's an idea…

Anyway, as for my magickal training, I am now able to utilize any three elements at my disposal simultaneously. Albeit, I can only do so for about ten minutes at a time, but that is still an improvement from where I started. Four is currently beyond me. It just takes too much concentration for me to focus and maintain a steady flow of magick right now. So while my long term goal is to be able to maintain all of my elemental manipulations indefinitely simultaneously, right now my current goal is to be able to hold just three steadily for an hour before moving on to the next short-term goal. I hope to succeed in that goal within the month.

Moving away from my various and numerous training, I wanted to document an… oddity I've noticed from Yukino  recently. She has gotten strangely quiet around me in the last few months. That is not to say that she avoids me or does not initiate conversation at all with me. She has just simply been… more reserved, I suppose would be the best descriptor, around me than she has previously. I have caught her looking at me silently while I'm doing innocuous tasks around the inn on numerous occasions. It also seems that, despite her being less verbose around me, I tend to run across her around the inn more often than I used to.

I do not know what has caused this change in behavior, but since it is not interfering with the household's ambiance or our friendship, I will continue to remain silent on the change. I am mostly just curious as to what caused it… Thinking back, I believe it first started to show up a few days after my venture into the storm to learn how to manipulate galvanic magicks… But I can't fathom what about that incident would have prompted such behavior from her. She does not seem angry with me, but that's the only negative emotion that I can think of that she might have felt about that considering the tongue lashing I received from her afterwards…

It will have to be pondered upon.

~T~