Blerg.

My gram was just diagnosed with Liver Cancer. If it is truly liver cancer and the hospital hasn't screwed up (they are jerks here).. she has 6 months to live and I will be doing my best for them. They won't let me over to their house to help them but I've put myself out there. I've been trying to come to terms with what this means for my papa who hasn't been alone in a very long time..

I don't want to lose both of them. I'm super aware of the possibility of his health declining when/if she passes. He won't go live with my mother but we think that is more that it hasn't sunk in yet. I'm going to do my best on this front but we are looking at moving to Alaska in March so I'm not going to be here for my papa and gram. It kills me on the inside but they won't let me close because of my anxiety and partially cause of my adjustment disorder. x.x

So for now until Alaska comes (if it comes) I am going to be in some of a state of loss. I've never had someone in my family die that I've been close to. So I'm very.. I'm already very upset about the thought.

My writing might suffer more than what it is for the time being. I am also taking care of my poppy(my other gram's husband) who went septic back in September and we almost lost him. It's hard on me to have all the medical equipment here since I hate hospitals and get panic attacks for being in them. x.x I do what I have to but I've been being treated for heavy depression because of everything.

Hopefully I go back to what they love.. a happy spring in my step type woman who cheers them up. They don't want me to pity them just love them. Poppy and my gram both told me to worry about me and not them. They make this really hard. I guess that's what it means to be a dysfunctional close knit family. We always come together even when we're fighting.

I want to go and see Brandon but New York is one of the few dumb states that come Jan. 1st the 2011 or something bill will come into effect meaning our license won't be good enough to fly without a passport or some stupid crap like that. YAY STRESS. v.v Oyy.

The good news is while we didn't have the money for Christmas this year my mother did something amazing. She bought Christmas for us so we could have a fun Christmas morning (we would have anyways regardless if we had gifts) but she made me write the gifts were to each other and from each other not her. Then she sent us 5lbs of cookies and more gifts c.c and finally she gave me my puppy who died in October's pjs with a little memento on it with her picture on it. (omg I'm crying x.x) My mom is in Alaska which is why we are suppose to be going there.

So the new year better get here because I'm tired of this crap! x.x STRESS STRESS STRESS.

….and then Brandon asked me what my ring size was. This has me freaking out (in a good way) but it stresses me out XD cause I'm freaking out and fretting if hes doing something YES YOU MISTER IM LOOKING AT YA. 

Then I'm over here hoping the post office didn't lose my gift to Charlotte… and I'll be stressed until she gets it.

Hopefully things calm down and give me breathing room so I can write better than I have been. This has been a moment in Brittlez's life. 

I FIXED IT! TELLY I FOUND A BUG~