Just who am I really? When I put that question to myself why do I struggle for an answer? A real answer?

I can give it the basic answer. I am a Mercenary, I kill for coin. 

But how did that come to be? What was I before?

When I write this it feels wrong, when I read it back I get the same feeling. Like I'm not supposed to know how to do these things. Like it feels wrong? I can't explain it. I was hoping having it down on paper would help but it only makes it worse.

I have other questions. Who taught me to fight with such precision? How did I learn battle tactics, How do I know how to fight? I can't just know these things. It's something that is taught. How? Who? Why?

How is it I know how to ride like it's second nature? How did I understand these creatures? How is it know how the think, how the speak? How can I understand them? It is not a natural feat. Of this I can be sure. I have asked around. 

How did I get to this point in my life? I am in my twenties I think. It's what everyone says but I cannot be sure.

Could all of this be caused by a mere bump to the head?

I've been told what happened. That I took a troll club to the back of the head and lived. Before then I had been with the company for years. No one could tell me more than a few on the job stories because I hadn't ever talked about myself. I was a mystery to them all and now I'm a mystery to myself too.

I'm not entirely sure I belong here and yet at the same time I feel that I do. I can't quite understand it.

When I push my mind to remember I get flashes of lands I only see in these flashes. It's not a place I've seen with my waking eyes. I see blurry faces of people I should recognize but can't. Are these dreams? Are these broken memories of a family I have long since forgotten?

I cannot and will not ever know.

I could seek the god's advice but what if I don't like what I hear?

I love my current life. Will knowing the past change what I am now? Who I am now? Do I even want that?

No. I feel I am happier on the outside, as things are.

I will however, continue to use this journal to piece together what I can. 

It is my memory and it must still be in my mind somewhere. 

All I have to do is choose to access it.

I really do need answers.

Today I felt feelings towards someone. Someone I have never met before and this I know for certain.

Something inside me recognized a man I met in a tavern but this thing inside me knew him older. I cannot explain it

What is more interesting was the fact that it called out in elvish. A language I myself have never learned.

I don't understand. I need to get my memories back but how?

Is there a way I can find more about myself. Should I seek the gods for such a thing? Would they even care? Am I significant enough to draw their interest?

What possibly scares me more, is the possibility that they might not be able to.

What if that blow to my head has turned me mad? What if I am slowly losing my feel of reality?

I cannot possibly answer these questions myself but who can help me answer them?

 

I know I have not written in a long time and the reason for that is an interesting one that I am slowly starting to piece together. I have been keeping myself well away from any form of life in the hopes that I could come to some kind of sense to all this. And I have. I think.

It took going into the middle of a forest and up a tree to do it but I think I have figured it out. I'm going to write down everything so I can check it over and make sure it is what it seems.

It all started with the dreams.

Since meeting that familiar man in the tavern it sparked something inside me that wished to come out. My conscious mind fought it constantly but while sleeping it had full control. In my dreams she showed me this world I had only been getting flashes of before. A world where she'd been born, where she'd lived and where she'd finally died. It was absolutely beautiful and strange but yet, I felt a feeling of belonging. No doubt the emotion of this other entity but I found it oddly fascinating. That man I had met in the tavern had been this entities husband in her world. No wonder he had woken her up. 

Her memories and my dreams became so vivid they felt like memories of my own. Taking over what I couldn't remember myself. It was at this point my own memory started to fight back.

Her memories were trying to replace mine so the dreams of her world became dreams of mine.

I was born in the Grassland of the Northlands to a tribe of barbarians who were constantly at battle with the orcs who the land truly belonged to. My mother was The Chieften's trophy of a battle with elves and I was the result of his use of her. My birth resulted in her death but something stopped my father killing me and instead I was raised with his other children as the barbarian my heart truly belonged as. 

When I was old enough, I began to wander further and further afield looking for work. It was then I discovered a band of Mercenaries who needed someone like me to lend a hand. I joined and never looked back. Soon I had a band of my own to command and it had been that way ever since. 

That is my life. All 32 years of it. That is my age. Why did I feel like I was younger? No. I know why. It was all her.

With both of our memories intact I could ask questions. What was she doing here?

She recalls being summoned by a Necromancer to return to her body but on her way to return she fell through a hole in what she calls 'time and space' and then found me.

As I took that blow to the back of the head the soul of this other woman collided with mine and we became one body.

As my understanding has it, I am not one body with two souls. I am one body with two memories. My soul and hers were so similar they integrated. I am her and she is me. I am Amé.

My next task was to sort these memories into something my mind could physically handle. It needed to make sense.

My background history follows my own. It was decided my life story was the better one of the two so hers was forgotten.

My work with the mercenary band is the present so that had to be kept but her life in that other world is also equally real. We could not keep all of her memories of that place so she chose only the ones that defined her as a person. Most of them involved that man I met so I'm rather hoping we never meet him again. I wouldn't be able to look the man in the eye.

I have our shared fighting skills, her use of elven tongue, her ability to speak with the animal kingdom and any useful skills that will keep our mercenary job going for a good while.

It's great. I know who I am now. I'm ready to get back out there and live again.

The new and Improved me.