I don't like to talk about it. It's a pain I run from, every second of every minute of every day. This is the worst thing I have ever felt. It's trying to choke me, drown me…. I am already dead, yet I still exist in this realm. Every day I somehow manage to hide it, stuff it deep down inside my heart. No one knows. No one can see. All they see, including Ryerles, is a smile. They hear the laughter while I break further inside. Even the pranks are harder to devise now.

For some reason, I would rather not even write it down, for fear of someone perchancing upon this, and know my greatest weakness. To give anyone the tiniest piece of power over me is unthinkable.. But I can no longer keep it inside. It hurts far too much, this pain. Every day gets harder to continue acting as if nothing is wrong. How can I contine to go on? There is no inspiration. I can't just lay down and perish under this heavy weight though. No, that cannot happen.

I am lost. I am broken inside, incomplete. Someone has reached their giant hand into my life, extracted me, and discarded me here in this land. There is no way back. Everything I knew is lost to me forever. Being the only survivor… I must endure. But I'm just a pixie. The weight of the world is just too much of a burden.

No… I can't… I shouldn't have even written this.

I despise myself. I'm despicable for even come crawling back to this stupid journal. This is something I should not have even started… But if I can't even talk about this to Ryerles… Who else can I turn to? There is not a single soul, not even with my best friend, who I can trust this information with.

Let's start small? I am not from Revaliir, but from a realm named DaeLuin. I ran away from my kind to explore and witness the world. The humans were so interesting. From love proposals, to drinking around a campfire, all the way to balls and parties. They find the smallest things to celebrate. I have seen lives of crime, paths of justice, and death. For as much as they enjoy life, or work hard to survive, the humans love their war.

I have several quirks. My wings glow in the moonlight, I hate birds, and… I used to turn into a miniature dragon to defend myself from those god awful creatures. I can't fly if my wings get wet. For as traveled as I am, I only ever made one friend before…

I traveled south, riding on the mast of a ship. There's this city on this little island whose streets and buildings are immaculate where I found this dark skinned, messy haired boy in need of food. After having already spent the morning collecting coins from unsuspecting people, because, hey, who doesn't like shiny things? I shared my spoils with him. His name was… Gods this is worse than trying to say it.

I'm done. No more.

I still can't say his name. A hard lump forms at the base of my neck when I think of him. It's impossible to swallow, I can't speak…

Deciding I liked him… So innocent then… We began traveling north for a mission he has undertaken for a friend. He was so carefree… Happy… He loved to talk, and I loved to listen. Something happened in the swamp, when he lost his boot in the muck and I helped fetch it out with some vines… I knew I wanted to help him.

Isn't it funny how one chance meeting chan shape the rest of your future? One little decision changes everything. Would it all have played out the way it did if I wasn't in the picture at all? All that time spent dutifully listening to his request, only to find out how dangerous it all was? If I hadn't been there, at the edge of his mind, causing him worry, creating doubts, being the one that everything hinged on… Who would he have been? Who would I have been?

I can't imagine it being any different than it has been. Truthfully, I wouldn't want it to happen any other way.

How can a six inch being even hope to help someone who was six feet tall? All I could do, in any form, was keep him company. During the day, we would chat. At night, I was curled as a miniature dragon in his lap. His hand would rest upon my back. I felt so warm, so content, knowing he was there.

Our destination was the graveyard south of Minoc. To protect me, or so I assume it was protection, this human who had changed my mindset on life had asked for me to wait on the other side, and so I did. But he never came back. As concern for my friend grew, I set out, only to find him sprawled on the beach, in danger of drowning further north than where I had been waiting.

What could I do? As a pixie, I am far too small to do any feats of strength. To save him, I did the only thing I could, using my natural ability to grow and manipulate vines to drag him farther up the beach and away from the water. He was sick, injured, and I could do absolutely nothing.

Never before had I felt so useless… My friend needed help, and I feared leaving him. I'm not a healer, haven't studied non-magical remedies. Size was a major factor determining participation in nearly everything. I was powerless… A feeling I have grown to loathe entirely. To feel so weak and insignificant. He was going to die, and there was nothing I could do but watch.

While it was the first, it was not to be the last.

Hopeless, helpless. Miniscule in all that I am, all that I am capable of. At the deepest point of depression, salvation came from the ocean. The friend who set him on this quest appeared through magic. His illness, she said, was his own fault, let him deal with it. Yet, she healed his internal wounds from whatever he experienced in the graveyard. A pile of food was provided, a promise of silence made, and she was gone.

Eventually… He woke up, and scarfed down much of the food. From the beach, we traveled into a rainforest, terribly moist. For a pixie, nothing is worse than soggy wings. We cannot fly, reduced to shivering in our hiding holes. This friend of his had mentioned a cabin she used to own, a little shack in the miserable place. It was here that we rested until his fever broke.

To think that a pixie reduced herself to a housekeeper. I spent a lot of the time cleaning. While the shack was small, I am even smaller. But time was something I had plenty of during my wait. Then… mysteriously, he disappeared.