Roleplay Forums > Character Activities > Character Journals > Diary of a Broken Elf
CelesteJN

Character Info
Name: Celeste Nash
Age: 36
Alignment: CN
Race: Elvish
Gender: Female
Class: Water seeress
Silver: 387
Journal… Journal… Never had one before. Never needed to. But it's said journals help. Wife gave journal to elf today. No, I am not just an elf. I am Celeste Nash, wife of Larka, twin, huntress, healer. I am not useless… She needs me.

Larka tries to be big and tough, a big softy to women. Strong and stubborn. But she hide pain. Elf knows she fear loosing… I did it again. I am not just an elf… She fears loosing me. It nearly killed her the first time.

I don't know how long I was there, trapped in the dark, lonely place. Starved, beaten, belittled near daily. It was darker than a moonless night, constantly. They broke elf's mind. No more boots stomp, no more beatings though. But it hurts sometimes, the need for something unknown. Like lightning, hammer beat anvil, sword clash on sword. Lake gift doesn't help much but enough.

Elf ran today… Fenehdis! I! I bloody ran today! Reika and Kyu came with. They like to chase squirrels. I'm beginning to fall in routine. Running again feels good, feels more normal. Want to start meditate soon. Find something to strengthen arms. Spar. Long to raise a sword again. Maybe, we can go shopping for a new one soon? They stole everything from me… 

Larka say tomorrow she has surprise for me, a friend coming over. I wonder who it could be.
I am Celeste Nash. Wife, twin, huntress, healer. I am special. Why?

CelesteJN

Character Info
Name: Celeste Nash
Age: 36
Alignment: CN
Race: Elvish
Gender: Female
Class: Water seeress
Silver: 387
[In response to A Diary of Convalesence]

Well, this is a surprise. Journals write back? What does Larka see in me? I could not stop Lirin's death. I could not defend myself. What use is surviving only to feel pain every day? Close my eyes and relive the abuse every night? What is strength if elf was unable to escape for two years? Yes, we silenced those boots, stopped the fists, but elf am still broken inside.

Elf may never recover… Snap at wife over the simplest of things. Is Elf pushing her away? Driving her back to the drink? Once upon a time, elf try hard to pull her out of that habit, and now it's my fault she runs back to it.

No! I am Celeste Nash, wife, and twin. I'm sorry Journal. Lirin always said 'Negative keeps negative, positive makes change.' Let me share my joy instead. Sixteen years ago, my sister died. Two years ago, I found she was miraculously alive. She found me this time. My sister, my twin ALIVE! She had been turned into a vampire.

It is as if she never aged a day. Nothing changed. She even kept the flute I made her for our sixteenth birthday. I remember each and every minute of making that thing for her, and it means so much to see she has kept it all these years, cherishing it. Her talents grew so much. I enjoyed shopping with her.

Journal… I have a near empty life. For all the things I have; my sister, my wife, Reika and Kyu… They are all I have. Some days, they are all I need, but I am beginning to feel lonely.

Celeste Nash. Wife, twin… and friendless. This is not who I wish to be. Maybe tomorrow, something new will happen.

CelesteJN

Character Info
Name: Celeste Nash
Age: 36
Alignment: CN
Race: Elvish
Gender: Female
Class: Water seeress
Silver: 387
While Larka was out today, I did some exploring beyond my typical run. It's still too bright to be without my hood covering half of my face, but my vision is getting stronger in the light every day. Reika and I went into town to shop.

For the first time in sixteen years, I'm excited for my birthday. No longer is it a day that slaps me in the face with what I've lost. Not with Lirin alive and well. It is the first one in so long that we've gotten to share, and I want it ot be special. Remind me, I need to talk to Larka about a little camp out expedition. That'd be nice.

When we were teens, we'd go out into the woods during our training, just the teens. Our lessons were advanced enough that the community was not worried about us. Together, we hunted and gathered berries. We skinned and prepared our game, keeping it small since we were not feeding a whole village but only about eight of us.After that, we'd cook the meat over a campfire. While I'd like to say we told stories, we were teenagers, and… Nevermind.

Anyway! El-.. I found something she might enjoy: a necklace. The pendant is a bat hanging by the feet, with a second bat connected by the wings forming a circle of sorts. Madam Gizette said that it was enchanted, and that the wearer would know what to do with it. Lirin had always been a bit of a night owl, and quite enjoyed all flying creatures. With her new lot in life, perhaps she'll find this all the more enjoyable? And by luck, she had two identical ones. Typically, the shopkeep did not have two of the same design. What stroke of fate was she experiencing to have two necklaces for a set of twins the moment I was looking for something?

I think Larka is hiding something from me. The other day, I came up to her and she hid whatever was in her hands before turning to me. Or I'd see her writing something and she'd tell me it was a to-do list, or a tally of expenses. Without too many friends, in a new place, new rules, I guess it makes sense to tally things and squirrel away money someplace. But it's not quite like her… Usually she's more "in the moment" and when we were out of funds, we'd just go on another job.

El… No, I stopped by a blacksmith and talked to him about a new blade. He agreed to my request, and is working on it. When he sends word, Larka and I shall go together to retrieve it. Needing to replace everything… Leather worker, Armorer, Blacksmith. With the proper materials, I can fletch my own arrows… I bought whittling tools, as well, so I'll be on the look out for a good piece of wood to fashion a new bow from. The blacksmith even had some basic swrods availible for sale, and I purchased two of them as well.

I will start sparring soon, Journal. You wait and see.
You're still my only friend right now.

CelesteJN

Character Info
Name: Celeste Nash
Age: 36
Alignment: CN
Race: Elvish
Gender: Female
Class: Water seeress
Silver: 387
Dearest Journal,

You did not write back. I am sorry if it was something I said. However I will write what happened today. Larka and… I… started sparing today for the first time. She seemed excited to finally start doing something more normal with me. The sword felt heavy in my hands, and I almost started crying over that fact alone. E… I have a long, long way to go.

My sword was held at the ready, and Larka was so kind, she went easy on me. Our movements were slow. The first time she hit my sword, it flew out of my hands! You should have seen how worried Larka seemed at that fact, the way it flew. It was the jolt of the swords banging on each other that caused it. Journal… Am I weak? I lost my sword twice, my arms feel like noodles, I'm sure I got a bruise or two from the whole thing… Is it pointless to even try? There's just so much that must be undone.

Sometimes I feel that it's too much. Maybe I should crawl back into my little, dark basement. Hide there, and never see the light of day again? It's easier than actually forcing myself to see the daylight. I have headaches constantly from the sun, everything is too bright. I won't ever get used to it out there. If it wasn't for Larka's guiding smile… I wouldn't even crawl out of bed…

CelesteJN

Character Info
Name: Celeste Nash
Age: 36
Alignment: CN
Race: Elvish
Gender: Female
Class: Water seeress
Silver: 387
More like the abuse will come back, you mean? A simple fall down the stairs sends me right back into the boots of the drow. Didn't we silence those boots once already? Anytime I feel a tiny bit of pain, those memories rush to reclaim me! There are nightmares beginning to creep into my sleep. I wake in the dead of night, drenched in sweat. I just want them to end…

As for wooden swords, I would rather not. The thought of them alone makes me feel silly and self conscious, like a beginner. A novice who lacks basic understanding of even how to hold a sword. I'm not five years old anymore, learning the basic stances.

Lirin… Has always been so free. Ever since we were little, she'd pick up a blade of grass and make a little whistle out of it. She liked to sneak my mother's flute and play it for me at night when I couldn't sleep. It was how she started. Lirin was always a natural at the flute. When we were older and began to hunt in teams, Lirin would use her gift to keep our scent away from the prey. We always got high scores because no one knew of her talent.

Yet, while we were all competative with each other, it did not deter the comadre around the campfire. There was only three girls in our entire group of eight. While we were the best of friends, I think Ninal did not like the closeness I had with Lirin. She was jealous of us, and I still don't know why. As for the campfire… It was a time of exploration. Misha started it all as he leaned in one day and kissed me. It always started as an innocent kiss before hands started to explore, and before we knew it, all eight of us were enjoying each others company.

Once, Lirin convinced Ninal and I to go on a girls night out. She said that we had tensions that needed to be addressed, rivalries that should not be between us. Little did either of us know what her true intentions were. Lirin was quite the seductress, and we all had our first taste of what sleeping with women would be like together. This was, of course, after she got us all drunk off our ass on mother's best mead.

Before I call it quits for the night and get some sleep, journal… I'm going to tell you a little secret… I've always considered her the strongest. Where she had to deal with major injuries, I've not had anything life threatening to work through. For me, it's all been psychological. From my father, to the drow… I've always been set in my ways because of Lirin, always trying to show her, even in death, that I could be the woman we were meant to be.

CelesteJN

Character Info
Name: Celeste Nash
Age: 36
Alignment: CN
Race: Elvish
Gender: Female
Class: Water seeress
Silver: 387
Dearest Journal…

I worry. Did we do the right thing? According to Larka, she has always been a wandering soul. I can't expect her to set her roots and settle into a new way of life, forgetting old habits entirely. My stomach churns, I feel nautious. Will she be alright?

After a lot of begging and coercing on Akira's part… I firmly believe even if we had said no, she probably would have eventually wandered out regardless. But there are so many bad things out there. Bandits, thieves, murderers, men who abuse children… How long has she been on her own anyway? How does she even handle the evil in the world? She is so innocent, it is hard to imagine what she will do to defend herself.

I know this is all part of motherhood, but seriously, she's only six years old! Akira is far too young to have anything happen to her! What if she gets attacked, and we're not there to protect her? What if she gets sick? Injured? What if she gets lost? Or has an accident and develops amnesia? Am I doing the right thing… by not going after her… by not spying? I really don't like her being this far away from home. Heavens above, Gods watch over my child.

Come home safe, Akira… My sanity depends on it.

CelesteJN

Character Info
Name: Celeste Nash
Age: 36
Alignment: CN
Race: Elvish
Gender: Female
Class: Water seeress
Silver: 387
Natural survival instincts is not defensive capabilities. Have you seen that child? She happily runs up to any stranger who flashes a kind smile! There are liars out there who will take advantage of that. What about the mythical creatures in the wild I can only dream of? Some are said to be beautiful and alluring, preying on the weak minded. Who will protect her from that? How can you say that a six year old is not a fool? She is ignorant with innocence.

On a side note, I believe the potion that Larka picked up is working at quelling my nightmares. Regretfully, I did lapse a few times from those dreams. Oh how I was trying to hide from it all, no longer live in fear… My power felt like it was too much. I stressed out, and took that drug. While I mellowed out, it freaked Larka out. This is not what I need to be doing. During the effects of the drug, I could not realize what I was doing to her, but looking back… I feel absolutely terrible.

Even now, I find it hard just to open up to my wife. For so long, I have been alone, trusting no one. My only confidant had been stolen from me. Larka eased the pain, and makes me happy, but… why can't I just let her see my turmoil? Why the heck do I need to be so strong, and not let anyone in too deep?

CelesteJN

Character Info
Name: Celeste Nash
Age: 36
Alignment: CN
Race: Elvish
Gender: Female
Class: Water seeress
Silver: 387
As my pen hovers over the paper, I find myself hesitating. This is a perfectly normal journal, not connected to the one Larka and I use to communicate to each other. Yet, why do I hope that this will respond back to me? As if, I enjoyed having a private journal that reads my thoughts and gives advice.

I’m breaking, but I need to tell someone. Who can I talk to? My wife barely understands. My sister is in the air with her sex slave. Every time I take a step forward, I take two steps back. I don’t know who I am anymore. Akira’s presence is soothing, but it isn’t enough to mask this under laughter and innocence.

The nightmares still plague me at night. Dreams of being caged up beneath the ground. I can still feel their fists, hear their laughter… How long before I crack so bad, I hurt the ones around me? Ra’nadas. Like a calm before the storm, I can smell the rain long before it pours. Thunder rumbles softly in the distance, reminding me of my weakening resolve.

Why… Can’t I do this?

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